A Dolphin Reviews "District 9" and "Inglourious Basterds" as if they were one movie.

Note from Evan: I wanted this dolphin to review both District 9 and Inglourious Basterds, so he watched them both, but seems to think it was all just one movie. Be that as it may, I am still letting him review it. Remember, I have never taken a class on film and have not seen as many movies as many prominent reviewers. In fact, my level of film expertise is probably around that of a dolphin. Thus, this.

That's me! I'm perpetually happy!

Evan's Dolphin Movie Review #2

"Inglourious Districts"

Greetings from the seas! It's me, Eeheeheeheeheeheeheeh. Man, I'm tired. All day I've been having sex with another male dolphin by sticking my penis in his blowhole. Oh, you didn't know we did that, did you? Well, life in the sea is really boring. Sex is all that there is to do, and yes, it has to be incredibly depraved sex.

So recently, Evan forced me into a chair, taped my eyes open, and made me watch "Inglourious Districts," a futuristic science fiction World-War II movie, directed by Quentin Blomkamp, which tells the story of how a small group of aliens were able to terrorize human Nazis during the second World War. For all you dolphins out there, the second World War was the same as the Era of No Nets, when we were free to hunt the oceans for all the fish we needed, especially around Japan. Of course, that was also the Era of Exploding Spiky Balls, which was a dark time in our history. Damn being a dolphin! Damn it to hell!

Exploding spiky balls. I don't want to talk about them

Early on in the movie, it is explained that 28 years before the present action, aliens arrived on Earth and settled over Eastern Europe. There, they were persecuted by human Nazis (Nazis are like Orcas with guns) and put into concentration camps, while many fled Eastern Europe to America and other countries like South Africa. Now, with District-9 fully operational and teeming with aliens, human Brad Pitt has been given the task of compiling a group of alien soldiers to get back at those dastardly Nazis. However, as Brad Pitt and his gang of aliens begin to hunt members of the human Nazi party, a high ranking member of the human Nazi party is hunting them. His name is Hans Landa, and he is played by human South African actor Sharlto Copley.

Human character Hans Landa

played by

Human actor Sharlto Copley

During the movie, Hans Landa is infected by alien DNA, and begins to turn into an alien. In this way, he can now use the alien technology to fight the basterds, and succeeds to kill most of them. It is around this time that Brad Pitt meets a special alien who seems to be smarter than the others, and wants to burn down Hitler while he's watching a movie aboard the alien mothership. At that point, I started to get hungry and began chanting "tuna!" loudly in dolphin language. I don't remember the rest.

Adolph Hitler

What's my verdict on the movie? Well, there were some slow parts, which I don't like as a dolphin, because I like to go fast and jump. Also, there were a couple unexplained parts. For one, how was Brad Pitt so easily able to communicate with the aliens? The ending was somewhat predictable as well, as were other parts of the movie. However, it wasn't predictable in the bad way, like the way that we dolphins get caught in nets, but predictable in the good way, like the nice crunch an eel makes when you bite into it. You expect the crunch, you want the crunch, and when you get the crunch, you love it! And the acting of Hans Landa, played by Sharlto Copley, is good enough to warrant an award nomination from your human academy awards. Over all, the movie was exciting and worth watching, for humans. There is nearly nothing in this movie that would be good for dolphins, as most of it takes place on land, and they didn't even have one Nazi dolphin. Good job being historically accurate!

So, for my human rating system, I give the movie

3 our of 4 Hitlers

And, for my dolphin rating, and only because the aliens were referred to as "prawns," I give this movie

2 our of 4 herring

Well thanks and... hold on... Evan's telling me that they were two different movies. Oh well, I'm only dolphin.

BREAKING NEWS: Semi-Employed Writer Arrested for Raping Donkey

In what witnesses are calling a hideous act of aggressive hedonism, semi-employed writer Evan Jacobs was arrested Thursday night for violating several Boston area laws, including sodomizing a stationary bronze donkey. Asked to comment on the allegations towards his client, attorney Andrew Wetjen replied, “Let’s face facts here. Mr. Jacobs raped a donkey, pure and simple.” Informed by a reporter that he was, in fact, representing Mr. Jacobs, Mr. Wetjen immediately reversed stance and issued the following statement: “This stationary brass donkey, unconscionably left unattended on Boston Commons by its owners, went on an uninhibited rampage Thursday night. My client heroically subdued the maniacal ass the only way he knew how.”

Quiz for Keith: Star Wars Original Trilogy Trivia

Part one of a two part series in which I test Keith’s knowledge about the Star Wars movies. Part one is about the original trilogy. Keith is required to answer all questions off-the-cuff, without the aid of wookiepedia, the Star Wars wiki, or looking ahead in the questions for clues. Keep in mind that Keith and I have maybe never discussed Star Wars, and I don’t even know if he’s seen the movies! Let’s see how much he knows!

1. A golden robot is one of the prominent characters in the films. What is his name?

I can’t remember, but he has a prissy British accent, like all robots. C3-PO.

Half-credit

C-3PO does have a prissy British accent. However, when you cheated and looked ahead to get the answer, you still put the hyphen in the wrong place.

2. What does Princess Leia say in the holographic transmission after Luke removes R2-D2’s restraining bolt?

“That’s one small step for man . . . one giant leap for mankind.”

Incorrect

You are confusing Leia Organa for Neil Armstrong, a common misconception. Leia’s line is “Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope.” Furthermore, Neil Armstrong is a nitwit for not putting the article “a” before the word “man” in his famous moon-landing quote.

3. In the Mos Eisley Cantina, Han is approached by a bounty hunter named Greedo. Who shoots first, Han or Greedo?

They shoot each other.

Incorrect

That was not the question. Han always shoots Greedo. The question was, who shoots first? And the answer is, it depends on which version of the movie you see. In the original, Han shoots first. In the updated version, Greedo shoots first and Han retaliates, causing ripples of displeasure through the Star Wars Fan universe.

4. What race is Chewbacca? Extra point: What is Chewbacca’s nickname?

He’s like a chimp, right? His nickname is Chewy.

Half credit.

You get the extra point. Chewbacca is a Wookie, which I kind of gave you in the preamble to the quiz.

5. Han Solo initially mistakes the Death Star for what?

Oh Christ, Evan. I’m totally going to fail this quiz, aren’t I?

Correct!

You are going to fail this quiz. The other answer I would have accepted is “a moon.”

6. What planet does the Death Star destroy?

Whatever planet David Bowie’s from.

Correct!

David Bowie is from Alderaan

7. Who is the commander of the Death Star?

Darth Vader.

Incorrect

This was a tough question. The correct answer is Moff Tarkin.

8. During the battle of Yavin-4, Luke leads a team of X-Wings into the trench along the equator of the Death Star. How is the Death Star Destroyed?

Trick question. The Death Star isn’t destroyed. Rather, it is preserved in a Hollywood warehouse, until one day it’s discovered by a studio properties master and sold for thousands of dollars on eBay.

Incorrect

First of all, Luke destroys it by firing two proton torpedoes into the exhaust port. They travel down to the core and destroy the space station. Second of all, I believe the model of the Death Star is at George Lucas’s ranch or his studio or both.

9. In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke is attacked by a Wampa. He escapes but soon succumbs to the cold. How does Han keep Luke warm after he finds him virtually unconscious on the tundra?

No idea. Wasn’t The Empire Strikes Back about Nazis? Or was that Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Incorrect

While both movies you mention have references to Nazis, Han keeps Luke warm by placing him in the carcass of a Tauntaun.

10. Describe an AT-AT Walker.

Like a Verizon Walker, only with spottier service.

Incorrect

AT-AT stands for All Terrain Armored Transport, and should not be confused with the phone company, AT&T. It basically looks like a long-legged elephant without a trunk.

11. How does Luke destroy one of the AT-ATs without the use of his snowspeeder?

What the fuck is a snowspeeder?

Incorrect.

A snowspeeder is a hovercraft that is used to travel quickly over icy surfaces. Luke destroys the AT-AT by cutting a hole in its bottom with his lightsaber and then throwing in a thermal detonator.

12. What is the inventive method used by one of the snowspeeders to destroy an AT-AT?

The snowspeeder slowly bleeds the AT &T dry financially over the course of years through an elaborate Ponzi scheme.

Half credit

The snowspeeder wraps its tow cable around the legs of the walker rendering it disabled. After it falls, the snowspeeder has a clear shot at its head.

13. Where does Luke go after the battle of Hoth? To meet whom?

He goes to Israel to meet Golda Meir.

Incorrect

He goes to the Dagobah system to meet Yoda.

14. What keeps failing on the Millennium Falcon?

The brakes. No, the poorly-scripted dialogue.

Incorrect

It is the hyperdrive. Furthermore, The Empire Strikes Back has incredible dialogue. You are obviously confusing it with episodes one and two which both have terrible dialogue.

15. C-3PO tends to talk a lot and give out obvious observations. Thus, what is Han’s nickname for C3PO? (May be too hard).

Ha! You just gave me the answer to the first question! Let me go back and change my original answer! The nickname is probably something lame like, “Mr. Obvious.”

Incorrect

The nickname is “The Professor.”

16. Lando Calrissian is played by which actor?

Bill Cosby.

Incorrect

The effortlessly smooth Billy Dee Williams plays Lando.

17. What happens to C-3PO in cloud city?

He gets raped by a Care Bear.

Incorrect, although extra credit is given for using rape in an answer.

He is shot and broken into many pieces.

18. Before Han is frozen in carbonite, Leia tells Han she loves him. What is his response?

I fucking remember this one. “I know.”

Correct!

Harrison Ford changed it from the original “I love you too.”

19. Darth Vader chops off which of Luke’s hands?

Both of them. Then he has a surgeon reattach them, only on the wrong sides.

Incorrect, although it would be funny if it were true.

Vader cuts of Luke’s Right hand.

20. What does Darth Vader propose he and Luke do, after he reveals that he is Luke’s father?

Purchase an old beat-up car and drive across the country having adventures.

Incorrect

He suggest that he and Luke “rule the Galaxy as father and son.”

21. The Return of the Jedi opens up at which location?

Some stupid soundstage in England where all these goddamn movies were filmed.

Incorrect

Even if I were to go with your answer, the correct answer would have been on location in Tunisia. In reality, it opens at Jabba’s palace on the planet Tatooine.

22. Luke has a new lightsaber! What color is it?

Green.

Correct!

Luke has made the lightsaber himself, which is a rite of passage for any Jedi.

23. Who is the main villain in the first half of the movie? In the second half?

First half: Darth Vader. Second half: universal health care.

Incorrect on both counts.

In the first half, the villain is Jabba the Hutt. In the second half, it is the emperor.

24. What age is Yoda in Return of the Jedi?

Some absurd number, like 192.

Half credit

He claims he is around 900 years old.

25. What does Yoda reveal to Luke about Leia?

Her mom is Debbie Reynolds.

Incorrect

He reveals that Leia is Luke’s sister.

26. The rebels end up on a moon of the planet Endor. What is the name of the race of furry creatures who live there?

Ewoks.

Correct!

Initially the planet was supposed to be the Wookie homeworld, but Lucas felt that it was more important to appeal to children, so he made the Wookies tiny and reversed the name, coming up with the cute and cuddly Ewoks.

27. Why have they gone to this moon?

Because JFK said they would.

Incorrect

Not only did this take place years before JFK was born, they went to the moon to disable the shield generator protecting the second death star.

28. When Luke is fighting Vader, what ultimately makes him stop?

George Lucas yells “cut!”

Incorrect on both counts.

Irvin Kershner directed The Empire Strikes Back, so he would have been the one to yell cut. More correct: Luke cuts of Vader’s right hand, revealing that it too is robotic like Luke’s new one.

29. The emperor realizes that he cannot change Luke. How does he punish Luke for this?

He de-friends him.

Half credit

The emperor shoots electricity from his hands at Luke.

30. How is the emperor finally defeated?

Dorothy and the Tin-Man pull the curtain and reveal that he’s just a crazy old man with a dry-ice machine.

Incorrect

You are obviously confusing the emperor for the Wizard. The wonderful wizard of Oz. Darth Vader picks up the emperor and throws him down a shaft, saving Luke’s life.

31. How is the Death Star destroyed?

You asked me this before, genius. See question #8.

Half credit

Although you are technically correct, I felt it was obvious that I was referring to the second Death Star, which is destroyed by Lando in the Millennium Falcon.

32. Who are the three ghosts that Luke sees at the celebration in the forest?

The ghosts of Christmases Past, Present, and Future.

Incorrect

Luke sees the force ghosts of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin Skywalker

33. Bonus question: What is the first movie that the emperor appears in?

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan.

Incorrect

The emperor first appears as a holographic image in The Empire Strikes Back, and then in person in Return of the Jedi. Furthermore, the movie you mentioned is called Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

There is no need to calculate your score. While you tried valiantly, you ultimately failed. You must see the Star Wars movies again. Want to watch them?

Idea I Had for a Julia & Julie/Supersize Me Blog/Movie

A guy who spends a year attending every Facebook invite he receives. I mention this because just this past week, I spent 20 minutes cleaning out all the invites I've accrued over the summer. I think I went to, like, one. Half of them were invites from people I only vaguely know.

10 Things I Want to Eat, But That No Human Being Should Eat

Preamble: You're Fat. You're Screwed. (read: I'm Fat. I'm Screwed.)

Today (read: a few days ago), I was reading Time magazine (read: Time.com) and found an article about exercise (read: how fat I am) and how it is not nearly as effective in weight loss as dieting, perhaps not effective at all. Take a look at the article yourself and then come back to the blog! Okay, are you done reading? You're not? I know, it's long. Okay, I'll wait longer. You know what? Screw it, just read this blog.

Basically, what that article (and this other article) says that all the calories exercising burns can be easily made up with a few bites of a muffin or some other food. And guess what you want more of the more you exercise? Say it with me, folks: muffins (or some other food). In fact, it turns out that some people lose more weight not exercising at all then when they start a program. What the hell is that?

As you (read: Keith, the only other person who reads this blog) know, I am an avid exerciser, and I go to the gym at least an hour and a half a day, every day. I am also monstrously obese! Look at this picture of me!

Photo: philosophygeek/Flickr

Anyway, all that reading made me hungry. So, because I'm really going to start dieting this time (read: not really going to start dieting this time), here are 10 foods that I am going to have to give up. Given in order from random to random.

1. The Luther Burger

Photo: Meatwagon69/Flickr

Basically, it's a burger with a sliced donut (or two full donuts) for a bun. Are you kidding me? What kind of evil genius thought this up? I'm not even being sarcastic. Combining pastries with meat? Must have been a Chinese person. Hmm... maybe that racist comment will get some more traffic on this site. Anyway, screw that stupid burger. Onto--

2. Bacon Explosion

Photo: Jippolito/Flickr

Whoa! It looks like somebody already ate that! Yes, the Bacon Explosion does look like a log of human shit, but it contains the exact opposite: bacon. I can't even describe to you the process involved in creating something like this. Let me give you a hint: it involves a shitload of bacon. You first have to make a bacon-carpet, where you literally weave the bacon strips together. The ingredients involve 2 lbs of sausage, 2lbs of bacon, 1 jar of bbq sauce, and 1 jar of bbq rub. And twenty EMTS. Also, you have to love any food that has the word explosion in it. I'm still hungry, what's next?

3. Double-Bypass Burger

Photo: Curt/Flickr

Why even include the lettuce, tomato and onions? If you couldn't figure it out from the picture, this a cheeseburger's body with the head and feet of grilled cheese sandwiches. The apocalypse must be nigh now that people started using sandwiches as buns. What if they started using buns as sandwiches? We are heading into a world where the line between bun and sandwich is getting increasingly blurred! This is your fault, Obama. Okay, let's see the next one.

4. Cake Batter Ice Cream

Photo: beastandbean/Flickr

God, just looking at a picture of this shit gives me goose bumps. In case you weren't aware, they make cake-batter ice-cream now. You know what it tastes like? That's right, cake-batter. Cake batter is one of those things that tastes so good you know it's bad for you. This is basically the heroin of ice-cream. Sure, everyone loves ice-cream (read: I love ice-cream), but this stuff is just a goddamned drug.

5. Cheese Fries

Photo: Brianz/Flickr

Who ever invented the concept of putting cheese on fries should have his own holiday. (Yeah, that's right, his. You know a man did this.) And his holiday should take place on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Because what did Martin Luther King, Jr. ever do? He certainly didn't put cheese on fries, I know that. Goddamn, I love cheese fries.

6. Candy-Store Candy

Photo: stukinha/Flickr

Any place that serves candy by the pound is a place where I want to be. Even though all candy is just process sugar put in slightly different configurations with slightly different flavors, it's all equally tasty. Kind of like Taco-Bell. Or Bruckheimer films. Except Bruckheimer films suck. What I like to do is get a big bag of candy, eat it, and then spend the rest of the day short of breath and crying uncontrollably. That's what I call a Friday!

7. Double-Decker Pizza

What the fuck country is this? Photo: barcodebmx/Flickr

I don't know if you've ever heard of this stuff called pizza, but it's basically cheese on bread with some other crap on it. Then it's baked in the oven. Then you eat it. Pizza technology has increased by leaps and bounds in the last few years, and one of the newest things they have is double-decker pizza. Pizza Hut came out with this a while ago. My joke: before Pizza Hut came out with it, I used to try to trick them into giving it to me. "Hello? Can I have a large one-topping pizza? And can you make that topping a whole other pizza?" Ta-da!

8. Fudge

Photo: American Candy Stand Cupcakes/Flickr

When massive star collapses, but is not massive enough to form a black hole, it will form a neutron star. A neutron star is so densely packed that there are no more individual atoms, just sub-atomic particles smooshed up against each other. To give you perspective, a neutron star is so dense that a teaspoon of it would weigh a billion tons. Well fudge is even denser than that! And it's also like a billion times more yummy, because a neutron star is really hot and would burn your mouth. Also it would destroy the Earth. Holy shitballs, I love fudge.

9. Nachos

Photo: Mooshee85/Flickr

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Who cares? I like nachos! In case you haven't noticed, nachos rule. Basically nachos are dismembered tacos, and who doesn't like tacos? Al Qaeda, that's who. So if you don't like tacos, or nachos, maybe you should do some thinking about suicide bombing because a) your life is worthless and b) America must be punished for its capitalistic hubris.

10. Nutella

I'm a whore! Photo: tanjatiziata/Flickr

That prostitute in the above picture is happy. Do you know why? Because she is holding about twenty pounds of the greatest substance to ever exist. I don't know how they make nutella, but I think it's from milking unicorns, or perhaps even collecting semen from unicorns. Yes, I said it. Don't believe the bullshit about hazelnuts, it's all unicorn nuts here. How much nutella could I eat in a single sitting? I would eat it until I died. I am not joking around. I would keep shoveling it into my mouth until I choked on it, or even better, became so obese that I suffered complications and had a heart attack or something. If I had to slap my mom in the face to get nutella, sorry mom, you're getting your face slapped. Really hard, too. I might just go ahead and slap my dad for good measure, just to make sure that I get that sweet nutella. Great, now I'm all worried about that. I'd better go down to philly and slap my mom just to make sure.

See you next time!

Quiz for Evan: New York City History

Part One of a series in which I test Evan’s knowledge about topics concerning history, culture, and the arts. The topic of today’s quiz is New York City history. Evan is required to answer all questions off-the-cuff, without the aid of Internet or book research. Keep in mind that Evan has lived in New York for almost 5 years now. Let’s see how much he knows!

1. The first Europeans to build on what is now the Island of Manhattan hailed from what country?
Correct Answer: The Dutch were the first Europeans to settle in Manhattan, which they called Nieuw Amsterdam. They arrived in 1613.
Evan’s Answer: I believe it was the United Arab Emirates.
Assessment: Incorrect. The Netherlands, as it’s currently constituted, is a country which dates back to the late 16th century. The United Arab Emirates was formed in 1971, when seven sheikhdoms were combined. That is, 358 after the settlement of Manhattan. Also, the UAE is not a European country.

2. In 1875, Democratic political icon, William “Boss” Tweed, did what in an attempt to escape imprisonment for charges of corruption?
Correct Answer: To avoid prison, Boss Tweed fled to Spain where he disguised himself as a common seaman.
Evan’s Answer: According to Wikipedia, he shot himself.
Assessment: Incorrect. Also, note the use of Wikipedia, which, as an online resource, is forbidden in this quiz. That makes this answer doubly incorrect.

3. The first attempt to construct an underground transit system in New York was made in 1869 when Alfred Ely Beach constructed a subway line underneath Broadway in Lower Manhattan. Beach used a rather eccentric physical system to propel his subway cars. What was it?
Correct Answer: Beach, an American inventor and patent lawyer, successfully used a pneumatic tube, which uses compressed air or a vacuum, to propel his subway cars. In 1912, workers excavating for the current Broadway subway line, discovered one of Beach’s old subway cars.
Evan’s Answer: From what I remember of AP history, he used about twenty to thirty polar bears to pull each train car.
Assessment: Incorrect. Note also that polar bears do not thrive in a humid subtropical climate, such as New York’s. Their natural habitat tends to be areas where ice and water meet.

4. In the early 1970s, the City of New York, aided by Congress, began construction on a Second Avenue subway line in Manhattan, which would run from 34th Street to the Bronx. The line was abandoned in 1975 for what reason?
Correct Answer: Construction of the Second Avenue subway was abandoned because of the city’s fiscal insolvency. It has recently been recommenced, with substantial completion expected in 2020.
Evan’s Answer: What are you talking about? I’m riding the Second Avenue subway as I write this.
Assessment: Incorrect. Most likely, you are on another train, possibly the L, which stops at Second Avenue, but does not run its length. Or, possibly, you are not on any train at all, but are just sitting at home, which makes me think you’re not taking this test very seriously.

5. Between 1904 and 1948, it cost how much to ride the New York City subway?
Correct Answer: It was only a nickel!
Evan’s Answer: Back then, it was only three euros.
Assessment: Incorrect. Evan! The Euro wasn’t even introduced until 1999! (Please also note that “Euro” is typically spelled with a capital “e.”)

6. Who is the City of New York named after?
Correct Answer: King James II of England, then Duke of York.
Evan’s Answer: That would be Jimmy Newyork, who discovered the region.
Assessment: Incorrect. Are you even trying?!

7. Today, New York has over 8 million inhabitants. A hundred years ago, the population of the city was how many people?
Correct Answer: In 1910, the city’s population was 4,766,883. Or 3,233,000 less than it is today.
Evan’s Answer: 100 years ago, approximately thirteen people lived in New York.
Assessment: Incorrect. Ok, let's just do some thinking here. In a hundred years, the city increased by, um, let's see . . . 8 million percent?! Come on, Evan!

8. In the 1960s, the urban renewal plans of infamous city leader Robert Moses began to fall out of favor. Many attribute this change in attitudes to the neighborhood oriented sentiments of Jane Jacobs, who opposed Moses in his attempts to build what?
Correct Answer: Jacobs thwarted Moses’ plan to build an expressway through the heart of Greenwich Village and SoHo.
Evan’s Answer: Robert Moses attempted to build a large ark that would house every one of nature’s animals in sets of two, one male and one female.
Assessment: Incorrect. I believe you’re confusing Robert Moses, 20th century NYC planner, with Moses, the pre-biblical religious leader and prophet.

9. According to a recent article in the New York Times, the Bronx recently attained what dubious distinction related to its people?
Correct Answer: In a recent article, the New York Times cited a study which revealed the Bronx as the city’s fattest borough.
Evan’s Answer: The New York Times dubbed the Bronx recently the “Happiest Place on Earth.”
Assessment: Incorrect. You are confusing the Bronx with . . . Disneyworld.

10. Betty Smith’s classic novel, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, is about an impoverished family in what Brooklyn neighborhood?
Correct Answer: Williamsburg.
Evan’s Answer: Governor’s Island.
Assessment: Incorrect. Also, Governor’s Island is not in Brooklyn but rather in the sea!

11. In 1960, what hallowed New York ball-field was, against much popular objection, demolished for a block of housing projects?
Correct Answer: Ebbets Field, home of the Brooklyn Dodgers, until they decamped for Los Angeles in 1958.
Evan’s Answer: Easy one! Madison Square Garden. I wish I were old enough to have ever seen it.
Assessment: Incorrect. Madison Square Garden, although it has been rebuilt several times, is currently in existence as a large sporting arena between Eighth and Seventh Avenue, south of the Garment District.

12. During a 1945 newspaper strike, Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia famously did what on the radio to compensate for his citizen’s lack of periodicals?
Correct Answer: He read the comics aloud on the radio, which greatly endeared him to his fellow Gothamites.
Evan’s Answer: Another “gimme.” LaGuardia asked several well-endowed lesbians to “make out.”
Assessment: Incorrect. How would they even see them making out, if it’s on radio? Um, right.

13. Because of it is such a massive draw for immigrants from all over the world, New York is often referred to as what?
Correct Answer: “a melting pot.”
Evan’s Answer: Heimy Town.
Assessment: Incorrect. You're referring to the slur used by Jesse Jackson against the city’s large Jewish population.

14. What is the most common crime in New York City?
Correct Answer: Theft.
Evan’s Answer: Ponzi Schemes.
Assessment: Incorrect. Although Ponzi Schemes are a type of theft, the definition is too narrow to qualify here.

15. In 1984, Bernie Goetz, the “subway vigilante,” shot four Brooklyn men on the 2 train because they did what?
Correct Answer: Accounts vary, but the consensus is that they confronted him and asked him for money.
Evan’s Answer: Because they were black.
Assessment: Correct!

16. What is “Five Points”?
Correct Answer: Five Points was a 19th-centrury slum in downtown Manhattan.
Evan’s Answer: Five Points is the successful and popular sequel to the classic children’s game, Connect 4.
Assessment: Incorrect. Connect Four is a two-player game created in 1974 by Milton Bradley, a Massachusetts-based game company.

17. Where is Times Square?
Correct Answer: Times Square is located at the intersection of Broadway, Seventh Avenue, and 42nd Street.
Evan’s Answer: Times Square is slightly south of Times Circle and to the east of Times Trapezoid.
Assessment: Incorrect. None of these place-names exist either in historical or modern-day Manhattan.

18. What is the longest-running Broadway show?
Correct Answer: The longest-running Broadway show is Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera, which opened in January 1988, and has run for almost 9,000 performances.
Evan’s Answer: Shrek.
Assessment: Incorrect. Shrek, the Broadway musical has been running for less than a year.

19. Who is the current mayor of New York?
Correct Answer: Michael Bloomberg.
Evan’s Answer: Some midget. I forget his name.
Assessment: Partial Credit.

20. What is the wealthiest Manhattan neighborhood?
Correct Answer: The Upper East Side between Fifth Avenue and Park Avenue.
Evan’s Answer: Jersey City
Assessment: Incorrect. Jersey City, as per its name, is in New Jersey, not New York.

Three New York Palaces I Will One Day Own

This week I bring you two apartments and one house that I would gladly purchase if I were a wee bit less-enamored of my current abode. And if I were millions and millions of dollars richer.

1. 3 East 94th Street

T and I passed by this place one night while walking home from the City Museum. It was all lit up, the curtains drawn, and clearly for sale. There was even a sign announcing a website: http://3east94.com/. Please view this website for an idea of the kind of luxury we’re talking about here. Just off Central Park, this place is a genuine private home. That’s right, you’d have the place all to yourself. It’s six-goddamn-stories tall and 11,700 square-feet. According to the website, the place has 7 fireplaces, a spacious elevator, a solarium, Jacuzzi, sauna, steam room, and a 50-foot pool.

Asking price: just $23,750,000.





2. DUMBO Clock Tower

Possibly my dream apartment. It has everything: located in the best, most romantic part of Brooklyn, DUMBO, with the most expansive views of Lower Manhattan and the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges. And certainly the most unique windows. This place was captivating enough that the New York Times ran an article on it. Fascinating details emerge . . . The main floor is has 16-foot ceilings and is 3,000 square-feet. The clock-face windows are 14-feet high. In the center of the apartment is a “floating” staircase surrounding a glass-walled elevator. I would kill for this apartment.

Asking price: unlisted, but according to the developer, “the marketing of the ClockTower apartment was not timed to the fluctuations in the real estate market, because the apartment was a one-of-a-kind space that would appeal only to a one-of-a-kind buyer.”

DUMBO Clock Tower apartment before . . .


. . . and after . . .




3. Whoopi Goldberg’s Apartment

First of all, this is the second time today I’ve mentioned Whoopi Goldberg, someone I do not tend to spend much time thinking of, normally. Secondly, who knew Whoopi had such great taste in home decoration? Here’s her gorgeously outfitted SoHo hideaway (on Wooster between Prince and Spring), listed by Southby for $3,990,000. A relative bargain! It’s a two-bedroom, but quite comfortable, folks. And the maintenance is only $3,522. Act now, while it’s still available!

Asking price: $3,990,000.